As a first time mum and new mum, I did not realise the impact of friends and family wanting to visit. Whilst their intentions were kind hearted, the visits often left me physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I found it very hard to say no to visitors and I also thought if I said no to visits from friends and family, that I would be seen as rude and not coping or adjusting to new family life. In hindsight these were all silly thoughts and knowing what I know now, it is absolutely ok to say no to visits if you choose or need to.

It is a lot – Between juggling your new routine, learning the new habits of your new bub, adjusting to your milk coming in, taking care of your new baby, feeding with bleeding or cracked nipples, eager visitors, stitches and trying to also recover from the birth! So much has and is happening to your body!

Family and friends would often ask “how is the baby sleeping?”, “is the baby eating well?”, “is the baby settling in to its new routine?”, “can I hold and give the baby a cuddle?” but no one asks the mothers these same questions if they are sleeping, if they are ok or if they need a cuddle.

Here are some tips of mine for helping a new mother:

1. Limit your visiting time

I remember having a friend visit who stayed for ages and despite dropping so many hints, I could not get rid of them. I felt so bad but after a few hours, I had to ask them to kindly leave so that I could sleep as I had been up pretty much the whole night. I was breastfeeding, pumping, topping up, washing and sterilising too.

When visiting a new mother, find a time which suits the mother for a visit. Never just turn up as it is very overwhelming, disruptive and the family may be trying to catch up on some sleep. New mother’s are busy and fatigued so if you are so lucky enough to have been given the go ahead for a visit, limit your visiting time. Personally, I found that 30 minutes was a good time frame as there are so many visitors throughout the day.

And… please, please, please do not visit if you are even slightly feeling unwell.

2. Please help

If you have some time when visiting, offer to help the mother. Sometimes it is easier to be proactive rather asking if the mother needs help as most of the time she will reply that no help is needed. I remember constantly having to make tea for visitors and then collecting up and cleaning all the cups when they left in my exhausted state. The best visitors I had were the ones who were proactive, asked if I needed any help and made me a cuppa. Did I need any help? HECK YES! It was also so nice to have enjoyed a hot cup of tea which was very rare in those first months and not having to feel like I had to entertain our visitors.

The family might also need some laundry done, the plants watered, the dog walked, clothes folded and put away, stacking/unstacking the dishwasher, getting some groceries, gardening, vacuuming, refilling the nursery goods like the wipes dispenser, taking out the rubbish, putting gifts away, entertaining older kids, petrol in the car, offer to make the family tea instead or even something as simple as holding the baby so that the mother can shower. Trust me, they will have a list of things needing to be done.

3. No typical gifts

We are so thankful and lucky that our little man got so spoilt but I just remember our hospital room being filled with so many flowers and gifts. It was incredibly overwhelming. Being asthmatic, I felt wheezy from the flowers in our room and the smell was overpowering, so much so that I had to ask my husband to remove them from our room despite how beautiful they were. Gifts were filling up our room making it very claustrophobic for us and hubby was carrying bag loads of things home each night! I felt bad that he had take the gifts home and I knew that at some stage that it would have to all be unpacked. I just wanted to take in the newborn cuddles and not have to worry about anything else.

Despite these gifts coming from a good place, other gifts which I would have loved and preferred were home cooked meals, meal delivery service, grocery delivery, an in-house pamper voucher like a mobile hairdresser, toys to entertain older children, gifts for the new mother such as lactation cookings, a masseuse, a pamper voucher, lactation cookies, a door walker or a engaging a company like Fantastic Services*. Admittedly, hubby does most of the cleaning in the house but when we engaged Fantastic Services to do a full house clean, it was so refreshing for the whole family. Hubby did not have to worry about the cleaning so got a lovely break, I didn’t feel stressed that we were not spending enough time together and I felt a lot less anxiety knowing that it was one less thing to have to worry about. To receive $20 off your first booking, simply enter my referral code tribeofwuwu when creating your account. Besides Fantastic Services being affordable, it gave our family time together, a break from the chores and time to do things we wanted to.

4. Offer to go out of the house together

This is a hard one depending on the recovery of the mother, however this was a memory of mine which has really stuck with me after I had bub. When my mum came to visit me, she said when she had me, that going for a walk really helped her. I just had this all these thoughts in my head – I won’t be ok if I leave the house, it has been fine being home so why do we need to go outside? What happens if someone makes the baby sick? Do you know how the pram even works? I was so consumed with the baby, overwhelmed with getting the baby bag packed, did not have any make up on, was lacking confidence as a new first time mother and getting out of the house took forever (like hours!).

One day mum offered for us to go out for a walk on a path at our local beach as she knew that I loved that walk. She is not a big beach fan so I was very surprised that she even wanted to go there.  As reluctant as I was to leave home, she made the process so easy for me and I enjoyed our time out together so much.  Mum got the baby bag packed, offered to drive to the beach, helped get the pram out (which we both laughed as we had no idea how to use it but eventually figured it out), changed bub’s nappy and all I really needed to do was breastfeed when I needed to. Plus! I had a hot tea for the first time!

You cannot force a mother out if she does not want to be but since mum made the process so easy and having been one of my favourite places in the world, I was happy to go. To be honest, those first weeks are all a haze for me but I remember being out again and feeling a little like myself again and it is a memory I hold so dearly.

5. Choose your words carefully

There was so much advice we were given and reflecting on it all, most of the advice did not help or work.  This little bub is your baby and you know this baby the best. Go with your instincts!

Encourage the mother and family that they are doing a good job. Watch for comments and advice which may be taken wrongly, such as mentioning how tired you are and how the house looks a little more messy. Don’t forget to credit the dad’s as well!

 

*Sponsored

Moving houses can be a very stressful time in someone’s life… so can having kids. Put the two together and it can be a very overwhelming situation. In the same instance, moving houses can be a confusing time for children, especially if it’s the first as it may take away the security the child feels. This does not have to be the way, here are some tips for moving with kids:

Talk talk talk

Mentioning the move to your child from very early on will help them understand the concept of what is going to occur. Speaking about the move in a positive way can shape their attitude and get them to understand that this is a good thing that is happening. Talk to them about their new bedroom, the backyard they can play in, the fun park down the road and anything that may be different from your last home. 

Visit the neighbourhood multiple times before moving

By visiting the area you’re moving to, it will familarise your child so it isn’t as daunting once officially moving. Show them the house you are moving to, wonder the streets, and let them play in the local park, so they can get use to the new environment. It also may be a good idea to sign up for the local sports teams so they can make new friends in the area. 

Let the professionals take over

Moving houses can be a stressful time especially when you have kids, but it doesn’t have to be. Getting help from a removalist can make the process a breeze. Hire a Mover have the professionalism and expertise to take charge of your move. They have competitive rates with no hidden fees, they are fully insured incase any issues arise, and they are available 7 days a week. By hiring professionals this means you do not have to juggle your family and their needs while stressing about potential breakages or forgetting something. The staff at Hire A Mover do this everyday and can take that stress away while you enjoy this exciting new time with your family!

Make setting up your child’s room main priority

By setting your child’s room up as soon as possible, it will make them more familiar with their surroundings. Unpack their favourite toys, blankets, books, and anything that will make them feel more comfortable. Make it fun, join in and unpack together emphasising the excitement of their new space.

ENJOY

Yes, it is a great idea to settle into the house and unpack ASAP. However, it is also important to acclimatize yourself and your children to the new area. Go out and treat yourself to lunch or dinner or even an ice cream and explore the neighbourhood. You deserve it!

This post is in collaboration with Professional Removalist Company Hire A Mover & Influencer Management Service – #AsSeenOn.

 

I always knew my mother’s stance on any formal childcare for Spencer but this week I broke the news to her that I was returning to work part time and that Spencer was going to childcare. This was a childcare which we had been waiting a good year to be accepted into.

After breaking the news to her, an influx of questions and comments came which made me feel incredibly guilty for not being a stay at home mum. Comments and questions such as:

• Can’t the mortgage payment wait?
• Surely you can afford to stay home
• You can always go back to work later
• He is too young for childcare
• He won’t be able to fend for himself because he can’t even walk yet
• You will miss out on his milestones
• He is going to get really sick all the time

Whilst I know these comments came out of deep love and concern for Spencer, it made me really question my worth as a mother and the choices we had made. Honestly, these comments were the same thoughts I was deliberating myself.

Hubby and I looked at several different centres, explored the option of a nanny, an au pair, spoke to a range of different people for advice and visited over ten family day cares. This was not an easy decision but one which we had discussed over several dinners. The decision to go back to work was made a little easier knowing that I was able to return part time.

Mum guilt is so common amongst mothers, especially first time mothers. I realised mum guilt started for me from the very beginning actually and that was with breastfeeding. When Spencer was born, I did not know he was tongue tied and this caused me enormous breastfeeding problems. Spencer was not latching properly, I was in severe pain from feeding him and was getting blocked ducts from insufficient drainage. Additional to this, Spencer was jaundice so kept falling asleep at the breast. Add in lack of sleep, having to pump, topping up with formula and a barrage of messages from friends wanting to visit – it was becoming overwhelming and a recipe for disaster. With these issues, Spencer was losing weight rapidly and I was feeling quite defeated.

Here I was, a first time mum seeing other mums around me feeding successfully, naturally, not in pain and looking like they had their life together. The midwives told me to keep feeding and that it would get better. It never did until Spencer’s tongue tie was resolved. We initially went to a male paediatrician who said that the tongue tie was not an issue and that if I continued to breastfeed that it would get better. It was not until we had to go back to the hospital to check on Spencer’s jaundice levels that I met a wonderful lady by the name of Cheryl who opened up and trained several nurses in my local Early Childhood Centres. Cheryl changed my feeding journey! She told me the tongue tie was not ok as Spencer was not getting enough milk out, that it was not ok that I was in pain feeding and that it was not ok to continue this way. We were referred to a family paediatrician who revised Spencer’s tongue tie literally in a minute and the first feed back on the breast was pain free! This was a huge relief! I felt so guilty having his tongue tie revised but I was so much happier as the feeds did not hurt anymore. I also went to our local Early Childhood Centre to receive some breastfeeding help and I breastfed Spencer successfully from that point onward! Spencer’s jaundice was flushed out, he was not sleepy on the breast anymore and he started to pack on the kilograms and remained in the 80 percentile for his weight!

Another mama guilt was giving Spencer formula because all the prenatal classes and all the midwives always said how easy and beneficial breastfeeding is. Yes, whilst all this is true, there is nothing wrong with formula either. Many babies like myself were raised on it, lots of mums cannot breastfeed, simply their babies wean off or whatever the reason, we should not be made to feel guilty for what choices we have made to feed our babies.

I remember so vividly buying my first tin of formula. I could not find the formula anywhere that the hospital recommended and after going to three stores, I finally was holding the tin in my hands. I recall myself trying to hide the tin, going to the self serve checkout in hopes no one would see and thought other mums would be judging me. In hindsight, this was all stupid but this is how I felt. After seeing Spencer thrive on both breast and formula, this guilt went away immediately. Eventually Spencer refused the bottle and only wanted breast.

I tried so hard to keep Spencer breastfed but he weaned off around nine months old. He started to latch on and off, being too curious with the world around him. I kept persevering by feeding in a completely quiet bedroom, dark room, not going out anymore so he had no distractions, kept trying to latch him on and trying different positions. I was told it was phase and that we could push through but nothing seemed to have worked and he weaned himself off, which led me to introduce formula again and the bottle. Here I was going through mama guilt again! I am so thankful for formula at the moment though as he has numerous food allergies and therefore we give him some formula mixed with cows milk for some additional nutritional support. I would have loved to have kept him breastfed but unfortunately Spencer chose another road for us.

This was not the only case of mum guilt and I am sure many mothers have related to one, some or all of these:

• Don’t breastfeed in public
• Cover up if you breastfeed in public
• Don’t breastfeed for too long
• Don’t introduce the bottle too early
• Don’t introduce formula
• Don’t start solids too early
• Don’t feed to sleep
• Don’t co-sleep
• You should consider looking for a job since you have been a stay home mum for so long now
• You are a working mum? You must are selfish and career orientated
• Not spending enough time with your child
• Having time to yourself
• My child has food allergies because of me

Comments come from people who try to mean ‘good’, who may never have had children and are even parents themselves. We definitely need to support each other no matter what decisions someone else has made. We have never walked a day in someone else’s shoes, so who are we judge others.

There is no right way to parent and there is no perfect parent. All of us have made parenting mistakes. Trade offs are inevitable too. We just try to do the best for our families. This is your journey and your baby. Only you will know your baby and instincts the best. One thing we all have in common is our love for our babies and all we can do is soak in the time we have with them as they grow way too quickly. I never quite understood what every parent meant when they said your kids will grow up quickly but when you become a parent, time is precious and the words cannot resonate more true!

So what happened? I went back to work. The first day walking back into the office was hard. Heart wrenching hard. Lots of familiar faces, lots of new ones too. Hubby had prepared a ‘welcome back to work’ care package for me which included my favourite teas, chocolates, snacks and photo of Spencer to pop on desk to get me through the day. It doesn’t get any easier leaving him every morning but I do know that I come home to lots of hugs and smiles! I am enjoying adult conversations, not sharing my food and not having to change any nappies, oh and sipping on a steaming hot cup of tea! I came home to a very tired bub who gave me lots of smiles and hugs. I’m not sure if this will get easier but I have been told it does.

 

In exactly one week, Spencer will be one! Just like that? I do not even know where this time has gone and truthfully I am in denial that I had him almost a year ago.

I remember the night before he was born so clearly. I packed a suitcase, yes a very big suitcase completely stuffed! I am an anxious person who always likes to plan in advance for things that may or may not happen, so I packed quite a bit. I do not know how you could just bring a bag! I was induced and knew by the next day that I would be finally meeting my baby.

All we ever wished for, was for a healthy baby. We did not find out the sex of the baby and there were so many times where I was ready to give in! However, the surprise was well worth the wait.

Honestly, when I first saw Spencer’s face I felt such a mix of emotions. My thoughts were: ‘who does he look like?’, ‘I am so in love’, ‘why does he have all these milia’s on his nose?’, ‘I made him’ and ‘my life will never be the same’. I was now a mother and now that the baby was earth side – reality hit. This tiny little human is half of me and half of the person I love, so I felt an enormous responsibility come over me to take care of him. I also thrive on making others happy, so i just wanted to make him so happy.

I was amazed at how besotted my husband and I were towards Spencer, especially since all he did was sleep and eat. Even though we were told to sleep when the baby does, we often found ourselves just staring at him. It was the strongest love we have ever felt and till this day we are still amazed that we made him!

These past 12 months, we have had lots of ups and downs. My greatest struggle was with breastfeeding. I felt enormous pressure to be able to master it. Something so natural, simple and easy for other mums, did not come easily for me. I will save this story for another post though. There have been so many more positives than negatives in our journey. Like the first time Spencer recognised our faces, smiled, giggled, crawled, stood up, put his arms out for us to carry him, said our names and danced. There is so much more to look forward to as well such as when he will give us a kiss, ask for a hug, be able to put together words, speak and hold our hands.

I have never learnt as much in my life as the past 12 months.

Spencer, I thank you for choosing me to be your mother. I will never take you for granted and seeing you grow has been my greatest joy. It is my privilege being there for you, even in the early mornings when my eyes are pink. You are such a mini-daddy. Thank you my little boo.